how is it that boston is so bitchin and the rest of massachusetts sucks so much?
how is it that you still think "bitchin" is an acceptable term anymore?
her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Randomize
