I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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