Jerry, you need to find god
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
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