This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
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