Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Randomize
