She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
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