Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Randomize
