My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
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