Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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