I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
I have demons in me.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
