I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
