Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
