so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
