if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Randomize
