i need an iv and a liver transplant
Why is your signature on my underwear?
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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