My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
going to class early so i have time to go on the moonbounce. this is why i go to art school.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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