2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
