You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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