pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Randomize
