I understand why you refuse to be sober now
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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