I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Why can't burritos get me drunk
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Randomize
