"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
