the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Randomize
