woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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