my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
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