how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
