The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
no. you can't hotbox the world.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Randomize
