I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
You ruined the universe
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
