She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
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