I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
