If that was your dad, he is hot
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
