Need sex. Gaining weight.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Randomize
