I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
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