Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Well I just put wine in my tea
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Randomize
