12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
