I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
