At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
