I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
