so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Randomize
