actually, I'm a sock model
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
