hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
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