I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
I just cut my nipple shaving
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Randomize
