ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
love makes seman taste better
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
