My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Randomize
