You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
