call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
