Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
Randomize
