Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
Green mimosas i think yes
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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