In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Randomize
