my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking
only in oregon
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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